"Wow, you've lost a lot of weight" (!!!!!!!!)

I've been hearing this a lot lately to the point I'm wondering if there's a broken record in my head and I'm just hallucinating.  The funny thing is, it's coming from people that I see on a day-to-day basis.  People that I "know" but don't really know.  Not my friends or acquantices, but ordinary people you see on your daily routes.  In addition to the broken record statement, I have also been hearing, as is expected, "what are you doing?" (at times with a pleading, desperate look in the eyes).

The cafeteria lady has been saying this nearly everytime I see her now; she doesn't even say "hi" anymore, her greeting is "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" (mouth and eyes wide open).  Everytime she says that to me I think to myself, "I don't think the people on the other side of the cafeteria heard you, can you say it louder?".  LOL.  She's a real nice lady but I don't want the entire 500 seat cafeteria to hear what she's saying to me!  Then I think, it must be a cultural thing?  Maybe weight isn't a big deal in her culture?

There is a parking attendant lady that I see a few times a week and she has commented several times now in the past two weeks on how I have "lost a lot of weight" and it "looks good".  The lady at McDonald's today commented with a very surprised look on her face; you know the one - eyes and mouth open wide.  I'm actually surprised she even noticed since I always go through the drive-thru.  I guess it must be really apparent in my face. 

I stopped in tonight and visited a co-worker who hadn't seen me in 9 months and at first, she didn't recognize me.  She did a double-take.  It was only when I waved my hand and smiled at her, that she realized who I was.  Then there was the "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" with the eyes and the mouth wide open and the "what are you doing?!" (oooohhh, you know, eating less, eating healthy and exercising......that is the truth, I just leave out the surgery bit).

An odd thing has been happening.  These statements from people who aren't friends or people I haven't told, have actually helped me to accept that I AM losing weight.  When my friends and family comment on it, it is a hard compliment to accept because a big part of me says that they're just saying that to be nice.  It's a touchy area for me still.  I look at myself in the mirror and I keep saying to myself, "I don't SEE it".  Yes, I can tell when I wear clothes, but when I look in the mirror, I can't SEE it dammit.  :/  I am still waiting for that moment when I look in the mirror and can feel really confident about what I'm seeing. 

Some of the reasons I didn't tell people that I'd had this surgery was that I didn't want to deal with all the attention around the surgery itself and by not telling people, I would know that when they did comment on the weight-loss, it would be genuine.  I didn't want people saying I'd lost weight just to be nice and once you tell people, it's hard to know if they are just being nice or being honest.  Despite not telling a majority of people, I am still having to deal with it, even more so now as people are starting to notice and, of course, are asking, "what are you doing?".  In some ways I do want to share my journey with them.....but then I decide on not telling people because I don't want to have to explain the whole story and possibly have to defend my decision.  The day someone tells me I took the "easy way out" may be the first day in my life I assualt someone.  Can you see why I just don't want to tell people?  Too many people out there don't know shit about being overweight and all the struggles around it.  I don't want to be the poster child for WLS, I just want to get skinnier and healthier (and yes, sexier too) and get on with my life.  Maybe one day I will open up and share what has happened to me......then again, maybe not.  For now I keep telling people I'm eating smaller, healthier portions and exercising more.  That's it, that's all, cuz really when it comes down to it, that's all it really is. 

Good News & Bad News

Good or bad first?  Well, personally I like the bad news first so that hearing the good news over-rides the bad.  The bad news is.....Borscht is bad.  For me.  I figured it would be a "safe" soup as it was not creamy. Anyway, yeah, not so much.  Within an hour of eating the soup, I had terrible pain in my stomach which lasted about 45 minutes, followed by a "southern explosion" shall we say.  As unpleasant as this was, I *might* try it again.  Maybe it was just that brand?  Mind you, maybe it is Borscht in general?

Now for the good news.....

It's friday today and that means weighing in.  I got on the scale first thing this morning and actually LOST 3 more pounds!!!!  I am down to 210 pounds with a total of 51 pounds lost in 12 weeks!  Hey, it's only 3 pounds you're thinking, right?  Well, yes, but, that's three pounds DOWN during PMS!  Usually I gain weight around this time.  I'm tickled pink, can you tell?  ONEderland is only 11 pounds away!!!!

I also boxed up clothes that no longer fit (donated them to charity) AND.....it looks like I'll be doing it again very soon!  As I had previously mentioned, a lot of my clothes, especially my pants, are becoming very baggy and loose in the bum/hips/thighs area (not a bad thing) and are threatening to fall right down at times.  This weekend it looks like I will be donating more clothes to charity and buying some clothes that fit.  In addition, I do have some pants that I bought in 2008 that have not fit me for years up until now.  Kinda neat since these clothes are practically new and now I can actually wear them......almost 3 years later, lol.

Exercising goal - MET!!!!  Although I have not been going to the gym, I HAVE been doing at home exercising using my body weight as the resistance.  Let me tell you, it does work.  I have had sore arms, thighs, butt, abs off and on all this week.  The only thing I need to nail down is getting more cardio in even though my exercising at home is at a fast pace and I work up a good sweat and fast heart rate.  One thing at a time.  I am still looking to invest in rubber bands though so I can do some added moves at home.  For me, I think the less time spent in a gym the better.  I get bored super fast and doing the moves at home saves me time and I am ENJOYING it, which is key.

Exciting.

Frozen Dinners Are Yummy! :P

For food this week I've been eating frozen dinners.  They're quick and not to mention cheap.  One frozen dinner lasts me three meals and at the moment, I'm hooked on macaroni and beef as well as a roasted veggies and beef "Healthy Request" meal.  Not bad if you think about it, I'm spending about $4.50 a day to eat at the moment, even better this upcoming week as I scored big time at the store and bought the frozen dinners for $1 a piece (usually $3.99 each).  I'm pretty happy about that, in terms of money, however, I really miss eating salads.  Huge, colorful salads packed with crunchy veggies and protein.  I also really miss eating fruits.....diving into a huge slice of juicy watermelon or a tasty sticky mango.  *sigh*  Since I am trying to get my protein intake around 80 grams a day, that seems to be all that I eat.  There really isn't any room left for veggies or fruit once I've eaten my protein.  My intake is essentially this:  wake up have a cup of watered down juice with my meds, wait 30 minutes, have breakfast, wait 45 minutes, have a coffee/tea, wait 30 minutes, have lunch, wait 45 minutes, have water for a few hours, have my evening tea, wait 30 minutes, have dinner, wait 45 minutes and have liquids until bedtime.  Yup, that's my day, every day.  Sometimes instead of my evening tea I will have soup instead, but that's usually only once or twice a week.

Checked in this friday for my now bi-weekly doctor appointment and am weighing in at 213 pounds for a total loss of 48 pounds at the 11 week mark.  Only two pounds lost, BUT, I am entering the PMS zone so I'm sure I'm going to balloon up another 7-10 pounds *ugh*.  ONEderland is now only 14 pounds away.......

I had a "sleevie" lesson over the weekend.  Went out for dinner with the hubby for his belated birthday since he was working on his actual birthday.  I ordered a caesar salad with grilled chicken.  I didn't eat very much, pro'lly about 3 oz worth (I'm getting really good at eye-balling my portion sizes), but I had two extra bites beyond the tightness that I get which I have thus far assumed is my "full" marker.  Now, the two extra bites I had were two pieces of ripped up romaine lettuce that you typically get in a salad, so honestly not a whole lot.  Well, from the way I was feeling, I felt as though I had eaten an entire pot roast or something.  My punishment?  45 minutes of extreme tightness, the feeling of food sitting in my throat (not really food there, but that is what it felt like) and, of course, sleevie's favorite, nausea.  Joy.  Lesson learned.  DO NOT EAT A SINGLE SCRAP ONCE SLEEVIE TIGHTENS UP.

Goals for this week: work out at the gym four times.  The past two weeks have not been very fruitful in terms of my work out attempts, mind you, my Mother has been hospitalized and visiting her takes priority over my work-outs.  I'm glad to say she is now home after a two week stay and is on the mend.  I am also going to be trying out Yoga starting this week.  I bought a few coupons from the ever-popular sites such as "Groupon", "Living Social" and "Wag Jag", and I am really looking forward to doing Yoga.


On a side note, I bought a "goal" bathing suit.  Nothing fancy other than it being a bikini, but I don't think that it is an unreasonable goal outfit.  I managed to dig up the bikini I had when I had previously lost a lot of weight back in 2004.  Yes, I kept it all this time.  It's a really cute little bathing suit and I've always hung onto it in the hopes it would one day fit again.  The black suit is the one I hope to fit into when I reach my goal of 120 pounds and the suit on the right is the bikini I wore as a size 10 at 160 pounds.  I don't think I'm being unrealistic in picking out the black bikini considering that the top and bottom are a size "large"....which to me, still seems small to even be considered a large.  So there it is, my goal outfits.  They await in my closet.  Hoping that by next summer, I'll be wearing them.

Bikini from 2004

New Bikini

19 pounds from ONEderland

No doctor this friday, so I jumped on my own scale.....215 pounds.  I've lost 46 pounds in 10 weeks.  46 pounds.  In 10 weeks.  I can finally tell that my body is changing, I mean I can really see it now.  For the longest time I have been saying to myself that I don't *see* any weight coming off, but I can sure tell now!!!  Most of my work pants are sagging around my butt, stomach and thighs.  It's time to donate to charity and go shopping for new clothes.  Since I am losing weight still, I'll likely be getting my new old clothes at a thrift store.  What's the point of buying brand new stuff that isn't going to fit two months down the road? 

While I haven't made it to the gym at all this week, I have been walk-running around the block where I live.  I go for walks with the hubby and burst out into a jog for as long as I can, then I speed walk and then jog again.  It feels good to get outside.  My short term goal is to be able to get around the entire block at a jog, no walking.  I have not been wanting to go to the gym because quite frankly, I hate being inside when it's nice out and the though of doing cardio staring at a wall does nothing for me.  I don't know how, several years ago, I managed to do 1-2 hours of cardio a day (two seperate visits) on the cardio machine at the gym AND my weight training routine.....oh yeah, I was single, lol.  I am thinking of canceling my gym membership and investing in some weights, bands and a ball to do a home routine....we'll see how I feel about that when winter comes.  I HATE being outside when it's cold and wet, so I may start to enjoy the gym more at that time. 

Eating has and always will be an adventure.  The past few weeks I have learned that any soup with the title "cream" in it, is just not a good idea.  I generally get nauseated within 15 minutes.  I also ate trail mix that initially was ok, but about a half hour later made me feel nauseated.  While I doubt I'll try cream soups anymore, I will try the trail mix again, but I think I'll only have 1/3 cup and see how that works out for me.  One thing is for sure, I am getting sick of chicken!  I eat chicken breast twice a day, lunch and dinner, either mixed with salad, quinoa pasta, rice or quinoa itself, but I am starting to feel "gaggy" with the chicken breast.  I know this has nothing to do with sleevie as I have always been like this.  When I eat a particular item for too long, I start imagining that it smells "off", or tastes "off" because I start gag when it's in my mouth.  This is what is starting to happen with the chicken breast.  I will have to see what else I can cook up for next week to give myself a break from chicken or check out some frozen dinners for some variety. 

I just had a thought.  I am only 19 pounds away from ONEderland.  If I continue losing 5 pounds or so a week, I should be there in another month!  Wowzers.  Haven't seen those numbers since 2005-2006?  I can't even remember.

I didn't post last week because there wasn't really anything to post about out other than my complete disgust over my PMS wieght gain.  My weigh-in last friday brought me down to 227.5 pounds *rolls eyes* and since I was still bloated *snort*, clothes were snug fitting around my lower abdomen *humph*.  However, today I jumped on the scale at home, first thing in the morning after clearing out my system, and I'm down to 220 pounds!!!!!  In two weeks I have gone from 233 pounds to 220 pounds.  Amazing how women's bodies can retain so much water.  Fascinating and disgusting.  Equally disgusting is how much weight we "gain" through out the day.  At the doctor's office a few hours later, I weighed in at 226.5 pounds!  Clothes, food, water and shoes make that much of a difference.  From now on I will be weighing myself first thing friday mornings, also because I won't see the doctor on a weekly basis anymore.  He wants to try bi-weekly B12 injections. 

The past two weeks have not been very eventful, I'm sorry to say.  I did work out at the gym all of last week and was totally gung-ho, but this week has not been very good.  I did go for a walk/jog with the hubby one night, but I've had a really hard time getting up early this week and I'm not sure why.  I feel good, so it is not like I'm feeling unwell....I'm motivated......I'm just so tired in the mornings.  However, next week is a new week and I'm am hoping to get back on the workout train as I do feel good afterwards and it really helps to lessen my anxiety around sagging skin. 

One thing that I have been thinking about a lot lately, is how much my relationship with food has changed and how much it is a tremendous change.  I used to be consumed with and controlled by food.  I was always thinking of what I was going to eat next and would choose stuff that seemed to alleviate my emotions (poutine fries, pizza, thick pasta sauces, greasy food, fast food, you know the kind) and would eat to the point of being so full that if I burped, I would surely vomit.  I was always hungry and honestly did not know what "full" felt like..  I felt like I was at the mercy of my stomach and food was a daily, minute-by-minute battle, driven by my emotions and my screwed-up metabolism and hormones.  Now I'm almost 9 weeks post op and a lot has changed, and for the better!  Eating for me now is "meh", a necessity to fuel my body, that's it.  There is no joy or relief in eating anymore and for me, that is a very good thing.  I can tell it's been unusual for my husband to adjust to, but he is taking it in stride.  I just physically cannot marathon eat the way I used to, the way WE used to as if some sort of hobby that we did together.  Hubby has commented that certain foods or situations are no longer fun or enjoyable as they used to be since I can not partake the way I used to.  While unusual for hubby (and for me), this truly is better. 

Food used to be a big event for me, something to take comfort and pleasure in, but now, I just want to get eating over and done with, I find eating to be a chore and it gets in my way!  I don't get hunger pangs, in fact I could easily go an entire day without eating, no problem, but I know I would get very weak if I did that as that has happened to me.  Eating can be scary for me, especially if it is a new food since I don't know what sleevie is going to do with it, which makes me tend to choose healthier items as I kinda know which foods are a definate "no-go".  Going to see a movie was all about gorging on poutine fries, a hot dog and a gigantic popcorn swimming in salt and butter.  Now, it really is all about the movie itself and having my senses tuned into watching that movie.  The first movie I went to post op felt uncomfortable because I wasn't able to gorge and it was just really weird not shoving food down my throat.  I tried once, recently, with nacho chips and cheese dip, to eat what I had previously liked during a movie.  Wow, worst idea ever!!!!!  15 minutes after having the chips and cheese dip I was violently nauseous, but not enough to throw up, for the entire show and a few hours afterwards.  Believe me, I was wishing that I would throw up just to get the chips and cheese out of my system, but not such luck.  Sleevie was determined to teach me a lesson.  Thing was, I wasn't even hungry, it was just my head associating watching the movie + eating fatty foods.  I was traumatized enough that I can't even *look* at nacho chips without feeling like I'm going to hurl.  That is exactly what I like about sleevie, she has assisted in my food relationship "retraining".  I also recently ate one of my favorite indian dishes that I found to be "gorge-worthy" and comforting pre-op.  I could easily eat a few dishes at this restaurant and have such feel-good emotions it was like a drug.  Now....not so much.  Yeah, the food tastes good, but there's no mouth explosion, or a sense of being comforted by the food, or the "feel-good" euphoria feelings I used to get after I would eat a gigantic meal.  It is as though my taste buds have been turned down, my hunger receptors have turned off and my brain is trying to catch up, although it seems to have for the most part. 

Life after being sleeved has been a learning curve as I have been forced to deal with my emotions that I used to "eat away" and bury with food.  Now, when I am feeling angry, sad, bored or down, I have to really analyze what I am feeling and what I am going to do about it in a healthy way.  If I'm bored, my brain sends out a "let's eat message" but I know it's a BS message because sleevie is not really hungry, there is no empty feeling.  I start generating ideas of what I could do to alleviate the bored feeling and it's never eating.  Never.  Feeling sad?  Sometimes I get the food message, but it is quickly pushed away so I can analyze my feelings and go write in my journal or talk to someone.  The same with feelings of anger or feeling down.  It has defintely been an adjustment having these emotions right smack in my face, but I like how I am learning to live with these emotions and ultimately, me.  I have also learned to look at food as a source of fuel and not something to get pleasure out of as that was a huge problem for me, food being too pleasureable.  I found that this surgery has taken away my constant hunger drive, my constant desire to eat and my bottomless hunger, and has given me the "full" sensation.  What's not to love?