Before I had surgery I was taking anti-depressants. I pretty much thought the primary cause of my depression was in relation to being so overweight. I figured that my depression would gradually go away once I started losing weight and getting healthy. After my surgery, I wasn't able to take my antidepressant medications because of the limitations of the sleeve, and as the weeks went by, I was feeling so good, I figured I didn't need to take them anymore. I kept a close check on myself (or at least I thought I was), but it wasn't enough. I didn't even realize that the depression had crept back and not only did it creep on back like a stealth ninja, it was worse than ever.
It's been hell the past several months. I started to spiral down the depression drain before Christmas. I started a new job in October and it sucked. Big Time. The people were nasty and disgruntled. Long story short, there were job losses before I arrived and people were very upset and their anger was directed towards myself and other new hires. So here I am stuck in a shitty workplace and trying to cope with old emotions and no longer having my pre-sleevie coping mechanism (food).
I was working on dealing with emotions that were hidden before the surgery because they were masked with food - lots and lots of food. Frustrated? Eat an entire large pizza soaked in dipping sauce. Sad? Pig out at McDonalds. Bored? Go to the movies, eat a hot dog, poutine fries and an xtra large popcorn drenched in butter and salt. Post Sleevie? Not a chance is this self soothing going to work. My body was undergoing a lot of changes as well. The more weight I was losing, the more skin I was gaining. It was really, really gross. When I looked in the mirror naked, I saw the same old fat girl. It was like I had never even had the surgery. What a "mind-fuck" this was. It really, really screwed with my head. Add into the mix being a victim of workplace bullying and a whole new set of emotions is thrown into the mix. I am not even sure HOW I allowed myself to be bullied. Then I started to feel worse - weak, helpless, alone, trapped and sad. I was trying so hard to keep myself together, to not let work "get" to me, to keep pushing forward toward my goals.
I threw myself into my workouts and tried to just focus on work when I was at work and ignore all the negative around me. It wasn't enough. I just couldn't get out of bed one day....then the next....then the next. Mid February I went on sick leave. I felt a little relief. My doctor adjusted my medications and told me to take it easy. I kept working out for a little while longer. I was feeling ok, feeling like I could handle going back to work. Next thing I know, it's march and I'm not functioning very well anymore. My workouts were leaving me absolutely drained. I had to put all my training sessions on hold. I couldn't get out of bed, I wasn't sleeping, I was barely eating.....another medication added and several more spins down the drain I went. I had officially landed at Fear and (self) Loathing in Onederland.
I STILL hate my body, just in another way. I've lost almost 100 pounds and am d
With all this being said, I still don't regret having this surgery. My blood pressure is down, I can move and breathe without feeling like a fish out of water, I feel healthly inside and my bloodwork reflects this and I have lost 99 pounds as of today. What people need to know is that the sleeve is not a fix all. It is only a piece in a big puzzle. You have to work on your mental, physical and emotional health, and, you may need additional surgery afterwards depending on how much excess skin you have left over. Don't count on losing all the excess skin.
I have a HUGE announcement to make and I will do so this Sunday - July 29th. I am also editing my photos to post and deciding how I will be doing this to still maintain some of my privacy. I may have a password protected album on another site that is linked here. We'll see, I'm working on it at the moment.
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