I didn't post last week because there wasn't really anything to post about out other than my complete disgust over my PMS wieght gain.  My weigh-in last friday brought me down to 227.5 pounds *rolls eyes* and since I was still bloated *snort*, clothes were snug fitting around my lower abdomen *humph*.  However, today I jumped on the scale at home, first thing in the morning after clearing out my system, and I'm down to 220 pounds!!!!!  In two weeks I have gone from 233 pounds to 220 pounds.  Amazing how women's bodies can retain so much water.  Fascinating and disgusting.  Equally disgusting is how much weight we "gain" through out the day.  At the doctor's office a few hours later, I weighed in at 226.5 pounds!  Clothes, food, water and shoes make that much of a difference.  From now on I will be weighing myself first thing friday mornings, also because I won't see the doctor on a weekly basis anymore.  He wants to try bi-weekly B12 injections. 

The past two weeks have not been very eventful, I'm sorry to say.  I did work out at the gym all of last week and was totally gung-ho, but this week has not been very good.  I did go for a walk/jog with the hubby one night, but I've had a really hard time getting up early this week and I'm not sure why.  I feel good, so it is not like I'm feeling unwell....I'm motivated......I'm just so tired in the mornings.  However, next week is a new week and I'm am hoping to get back on the workout train as I do feel good afterwards and it really helps to lessen my anxiety around sagging skin. 

One thing that I have been thinking about a lot lately, is how much my relationship with food has changed and how much it is a tremendous change.  I used to be consumed with and controlled by food.  I was always thinking of what I was going to eat next and would choose stuff that seemed to alleviate my emotions (poutine fries, pizza, thick pasta sauces, greasy food, fast food, you know the kind) and would eat to the point of being so full that if I burped, I would surely vomit.  I was always hungry and honestly did not know what "full" felt like..  I felt like I was at the mercy of my stomach and food was a daily, minute-by-minute battle, driven by my emotions and my screwed-up metabolism and hormones.  Now I'm almost 9 weeks post op and a lot has changed, and for the better!  Eating for me now is "meh", a necessity to fuel my body, that's it.  There is no joy or relief in eating anymore and for me, that is a very good thing.  I can tell it's been unusual for my husband to adjust to, but he is taking it in stride.  I just physically cannot marathon eat the way I used to, the way WE used to as if some sort of hobby that we did together.  Hubby has commented that certain foods or situations are no longer fun or enjoyable as they used to be since I can not partake the way I used to.  While unusual for hubby (and for me), this truly is better. 

Food used to be a big event for me, something to take comfort and pleasure in, but now, I just want to get eating over and done with, I find eating to be a chore and it gets in my way!  I don't get hunger pangs, in fact I could easily go an entire day without eating, no problem, but I know I would get very weak if I did that as that has happened to me.  Eating can be scary for me, especially if it is a new food since I don't know what sleevie is going to do with it, which makes me tend to choose healthier items as I kinda know which foods are a definate "no-go".  Going to see a movie was all about gorging on poutine fries, a hot dog and a gigantic popcorn swimming in salt and butter.  Now, it really is all about the movie itself and having my senses tuned into watching that movie.  The first movie I went to post op felt uncomfortable because I wasn't able to gorge and it was just really weird not shoving food down my throat.  I tried once, recently, with nacho chips and cheese dip, to eat what I had previously liked during a movie.  Wow, worst idea ever!!!!!  15 minutes after having the chips and cheese dip I was violently nauseous, but not enough to throw up, for the entire show and a few hours afterwards.  Believe me, I was wishing that I would throw up just to get the chips and cheese out of my system, but not such luck.  Sleevie was determined to teach me a lesson.  Thing was, I wasn't even hungry, it was just my head associating watching the movie + eating fatty foods.  I was traumatized enough that I can't even *look* at nacho chips without feeling like I'm going to hurl.  That is exactly what I like about sleevie, she has assisted in my food relationship "retraining".  I also recently ate one of my favorite indian dishes that I found to be "gorge-worthy" and comforting pre-op.  I could easily eat a few dishes at this restaurant and have such feel-good emotions it was like a drug.  Now....not so much.  Yeah, the food tastes good, but there's no mouth explosion, or a sense of being comforted by the food, or the "feel-good" euphoria feelings I used to get after I would eat a gigantic meal.  It is as though my taste buds have been turned down, my hunger receptors have turned off and my brain is trying to catch up, although it seems to have for the most part. 

Life after being sleeved has been a learning curve as I have been forced to deal with my emotions that I used to "eat away" and bury with food.  Now, when I am feeling angry, sad, bored or down, I have to really analyze what I am feeling and what I am going to do about it in a healthy way.  If I'm bored, my brain sends out a "let's eat message" but I know it's a BS message because sleevie is not really hungry, there is no empty feeling.  I start generating ideas of what I could do to alleviate the bored feeling and it's never eating.  Never.  Feeling sad?  Sometimes I get the food message, but it is quickly pushed away so I can analyze my feelings and go write in my journal or talk to someone.  The same with feelings of anger or feeling down.  It has defintely been an adjustment having these emotions right smack in my face, but I like how I am learning to live with these emotions and ultimately, me.  I have also learned to look at food as a source of fuel and not something to get pleasure out of as that was a huge problem for me, food being too pleasureable.  I found that this surgery has taken away my constant hunger drive, my constant desire to eat and my bottomless hunger, and has given me the "full" sensation.  What's not to love?