Week In Review

I wish I had more upbeat things to say about this week, but I don't.  I am tired all the time, not eating enough protein and not drinking enough water - it's very, very hard - I feel like a zombie.  I have blank spots a lot, meaning "brain farts", and I find I am double-checking and second-guessing my work.  I will be talking then suddenly forget words and am at a loss.  Sometimes I can't spell the simplest of words.  It's from not getting enough nutrition in, I'm sure of it.  I don't get hunger pangs at all, so I can easily go hours before remembering to eat, my stomach never saying "hay-HAYYYY, feed me!!!", no it's my brain remembering that sleevie hasn't been fed in a number of hours.  I guess I should be happy that at least I am remembering to feed myself!  Because of this lack of feeling hungry and the limited amount of food I can take in (about 2 tablespoons), I have only been getting about 400 calories a day and around 15-25 grams of protein (should be 80 grams).  It's really frustrating.

Searching for a great protein powder-know any?

As for water/liquid intake, it's a delicate matter.  If it has a bad taste, my gag reflex is stimulated.  When that happens I am more likely to puke whatever it is up and puking makes sleevie grumpy for an hour if not several hours afterwards.  If it goes down ok,  I have to be so careful the swallows are not gulps and/or large otherwise sleevie twists tight for up to an hour.  I have to be mindful of whatever is in my mouth and is about to be swallowed.  Not only that, but my taste buds have changed quite a lot since the surgery.  Food and drinks that I really liked pre-op don't taste the same as they did.  Water tastes like piss, juice is sickly sweet, protein drinks taste like ass, protein powder tastes like and has the texture of chunder.  I am trying really hard to find a protein powder that I do like and that agrees with sleevie.  I used to like "Ensure" mixed with 1 scoop of whey protein powder pre-op, but the one I had earlier this week tasted gritty and sleevie was twisting for about an hour after the little bit I had.  Too much protein?  The taste itself?  Who knows.  All I know is out the door went one of my options that I had liked before which leaves me with no protein powder or drink at the moment.  I have emailed various companies for samples on their product instead of buying the tubs; I already have a tub of Iso-Pro Chocolate Milk that I have used one scoop of and puked up the first swallow of it - sleevie said "NOOOOOOO" - and now I have a $35 tub that is likely going to the garbage.  Such a waste, I hate that.  I discovered that Cream of Mushroom soup will not be on the menu anytime soon again.  Had some of that today and spent an hour with sleevie all twisted up in protest and finding myself feeling nauseous and praying I wouldn't blow chunks over the dashboard of my car as I drove to work (thank you Jesus that didn't happen).  My experiences with food that doesn't work out is so unpleasant that I don't even need to keep a little notebook of my "no-go" foods, nope, that's the beauty of sleevie, she traumatizes you enough that you KNOW what not to give her.  EVER.  AGAIN.

I've started exercising - doing cardio.  I went Tuesday and Wednesday and by Thursday I was completely wiped out.  Exhausted.  Going up 8 steps feels like a marathon within itself.  I can barely manage 20 minutes on the elliptical machine without feeling like I've just ran a 5k.  For now I'm planning on going to the gym for two days, then two days off, then two days on....we'll see how that works out.  I'll be able to start lifting weights in another two weeks, but I'm worried that I won't have the energy to even bother.

Saw my doctor yesterday for my weekly.  He wants me to get a full blood work up so he can see where my levels are at.  He thinks I am chronically dehydrated (he's probably right) which is likely contributing to my fatigue levels (makes sense).  I'm down another 5 pounds (that's it? I was sure it would have been in the 7-10 pound range) and he seemed pleased, so why am I not?  I am waiting for my bottom to drop out from me and fail, like I always have.  That stupid voice in my head keeps telling me "it's only 31 pounds, it's not very much, you're still OVER 200 pounds".  I have noticed a HUGE difference in how my clothes are fitting me and that is something that is tangible, in my face and is a lot.  I am wearing clothes that did not fit at all 6 weeks ago, pants and shorts that I couldn't get up past my upper thighs; shirts are floating on me too and this makes me smile and allows me a small victory twirl.  Maybe when I get into "ONEderland" I can finally allow myself to "let go" and recognize my success instead of just ignoring it.  We'll see.